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* samlak Good day to everyone, especially
Nigerian Americans. They need it most.
Happy elections. Don’t think I’m crazy for
greeting you happy elections, in Nigeria we
greet people about everything.
You have to get used to this now because
you are coming back home. So, Eku
election.
I very much understand that you will
soon be sent packing from there, so I
have taken it upon myself to prepare you
for the transition. You have just a little
time left there, utilize that time to learn
more about Nigeria that you are coming
back to.
In Nigeria, we don’t have light. Buy
power bank while coming. Don’t say I
didn’t tell you. Buy power Bank from
there because the ones here are just like
your marriages, they don’t last. Buy a
quality one from the abroad when
coming. Also, make sure you charge your
phone full before coming here. You
should also save money for generator.
Buy rechargeable lamps and plenty
torchlight too.
Also, save enough money for
subscription. There is no free WiFi here.
For those of you that will be settling in
Lokoja, Jidenna Co, I’ll advice you to
buy a glo line. Their network is strong.
Save enough money for emergency
transport. You will be deported to Nigeria
and by the time you get to the airport,
you will need to board a keke from the
airport to the badagry refugee centre,
from where your ancestors had been
shipped to America before. Fuel don cost,
transport don increase.
Do you eat moi moi? Learn it. In Nigeria
you cannot sit down and order pizza
anytime you want. The only order you
can make is when you yell to the moi moi
seller across the road to bring hot moi
moi for you. Learn proper home training.
In Nigeria the only time the police will
arrest your parents for hitting you is
after you are dead already. And they will
later settle the case as “a family affair”. If
you think you can come here to speak
‘innit’ for your parents, it’s the
neighbours that will help them beat you.
Are you a graduate? Doesn’t matter.
There is no job. Your American accent
will not give you a job, except your father
knows someone who knows another
person that knows a politician, you won’t
have a job. You hear?
Dear American Lover Boy, Nnewi girl will
not go Dutch with you. As a matter of
fact, no Naija girl will go Dutch with you.
You have to prove your masculinity by
paying for the date. No one is splitting
the bills with you when you take a girl
on a date.
When you bruise with a stranger in the
market, Please Check If Your joystick Is Still
Intact. Learn the Nigerian names of
common products. No one will sell
“sausage rolls” for you. If you can’t call it
the Nigerian name- “Gala”, no one would
have time for you. Noodles is “Indomie”.
Pasta is “spaghetti”. All seasoning is
“Maggi”.
Dear American girl, you cannot dress
anyhow you like. Your neighbours will
eye you. The random old woman in the
market will hiss at you. The random lady
in the bus will preach to you. The area
boys will jeer you. You might want to
report “harassment” to the police, they
will arrest you for indecent dressing.
Dear lovers, in Nigeria we don’t show
public display of affection. You cannot be
kissing your boyfriend under the rain.
The old woman passing by will invoke
thunder to strike the both of you.
These are some of the basic tips to help
you adapt after you have been deported
to Nigeria come January 2017
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